Tuesday, December 30


...is important. or so they say.

but i dont feel like sleeping tonight. cause if i do, then the next thing i know is that it's time to go to class.

and 5 days off is terrifyingly inadequate.


"comparisons are easily done
once you've had a taste of perfection
how do i get better when i've had the best
oh how i wish i was looking into your eyes"

Sunday, December 14

sains perwatakan

i'm only 15 minutes in, yet i'm really psych about behavioural sciences (no pun intended). it looks mighty interesting. i mean, come on la, it's 2 oclock and i still have the mood to read those verbose web pages.

hmmm.... maybe it's because i started with freud's psychosexual development theory.

whatever it is, it's nice to see me studying on a saturday/sunday for once.

p/s: fey choo, no calling me pervert-like names ok. it is not nice and you'll set a very bad example for merah.

"but you've got too much to wear
on you sleeves
it has too much to do with me"

Wednesday, December 3

giving thanks

i may not make it obvious to people, but i really appreciate all the support shown. 

just know that the hours of lost sleep, the uneasiness feelings, the thick faces and the heated arguments wont go to waste, iA.

and the sacrifices you all made are and will forever be treasured.

to those who contributed silently, with the click of a mouse or the relaying of words, thank you very much. 

now lets focus on doing things a little bit better this time around, God willing. 

"how about them transparent dangling carrot
how about that ever elusive kudos
how about how good it feels to finally forgive you
how about no longer being masochistic
thank you disillusionment
thank you, thank you silence"

Saturday, November 29

come and sing me a song

this is what happens when it's midnight, and azureus is deliberately working at the slowest possible speed. it was a toss-up between this and terajang-ing that blue frog. and since this blog is kid-friendly (yeah right!), i chose the former.

oh yeah, it seems dr ku-nyet kite agak mementingkan keselamatannya apabila di jalan raya ye. lets see the evidence...

awww... now isnt that just the darndest thing

anyway, here goes nothing

How it works :
Put your music player on shuffle.
Press forward for each question.
Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense.
With the answers, give your own comments on how they relate to the questions.

1) How are you feeling today?
These streets – paolo nutini
“Where'd the days go? When all we did was play. And the stress that we were under wasn't stress at all”

2) Will you get far in life?
Strange and beautiful – aqualung
“Sometimes, the last thing you want comes in first. Sometimes, the first thing you want never comes”

3) What's your best friend's theme song?
Change your mind – the killers
“Tragic eyes, I can't even recognize myself behind. And if the answer is no, can I change your mind?”

4) What is the story of your life?
Even so – Rachael yamagata
“You're gonna question whether you really know me at all. I know this is how it will play”

5) What was high school like?
Fast as you can – Fiona apple
“Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift. But most of the time, it does. Fast as I can, maybe late but at least”

6) How can you get ahead with life?
Shadows – four star mary
“we've been bored before.. we'll be bored again..”

7) What’s the best thing about your friends?
Mushaboom – feist
“Helping the kids out of their coats. But wait the babies haven't been born. And we'll collect the moments one by one. I guess that's how the future's done oh”

8) Describe your grandparents.
Security – joss stone
“And you were only human after all”

9) How's your life going?
Intuition - jewel
“I'm just a simple girl. In a high tech digital world”

10) What will be played at my funeral?
The walk – imogen heap
“Big trouble losing control. Primary resistance at a critical low. On the double gotta get a hold. Point of no return one second to go”

11) Will you have a happy life?
Catalyst – anna nalick
“And you'd be inclined to be mine for the taking. And part of this terrible mess that I'm making”

12) What do your friends really think of you?
So says I – the shins
“And you've had some crazy conversations of your own”

13) How can you make yourself happy?
Metal heart – garbage
“I want to be dependable, I want to be courageous and good
I want to be faithful so that I can be heroic and true
I want to be a friend you can rely on you can lean on and trust
I want to understand so I can forgive and be willing to love”

14) What should you do with your life?
Through the dark – KT tunstall
“I'm gonna leave it to to star gazers. Tell me what your telescope says”

15) Will you ever have children?
Il pleut – Emilie simon
“Il pleut. Dans ces gouttes de pluie. Mes doutes s'enfuient. Je ne m'ennuie plus”
(“It's raining. In these drops of rain. My doubts escape. I'm not bored anymore”)

16) What song would you strip to?
How to be dead – snow patrol
-- ‘nuff said

17) What does your mom thinks of you?
i was married – tegan and sara
“I look into the mirror. For evil that just does not exist. I don't see what they see”

18) What is your deep, dark secret?
Out of my mind – james blunt
“Will you be a friend of mine to remind me what is real? Hold my heart and see that it bleeds.”

19) What is your enemy's theme song?
Burning years – story of the year
“from this house shut the door. Light the match, throw behind u and walk away”

20) Whats your personality like?
Baba O’Riley – the who
“I fight for my meals. I get my back into my living. I don't need to fight to prove I'm right.”

21) What will be played at your wedding?
Bittersweet symphony – the verve
“'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life”

Friday, November 21


saya sara.

saya tidak berapa minat haematology.


"you didnt know my biggest fear
was that you didnt care,
and to be right by your side
yet have this great divide"

Wednesday, November 12

the medical life

being a medical student, i learn a lot of new facts every single day. some are good at piquing my interest, some are so-so and some just leaves me scratching the most superficial structure overlying my temporal bone.

but the amazingly interesting ones are always those that i learn outside hall 1, 2 & 3. no, i'm not talking about the hospital or clinic or, God forbid, *cringe* lab.

for instance, today i learned that "matahari buat muke kite kecik".

"Cant you see that it's just raining
there aint no need to go outside
maybe we can sleep in
i'll make you banana pancakes
pretend like it's the weekend now"

Tuesday, November 4


at a certain point in your life, your age tends to be arbitrary.

oh, i've found the real version of butterbeer. hey..hey..

"when you say love
is a simple chemical reaction
cant say i agree
cause my chemicals
left me a beautiful disaster
still love's all i see"

Wednesday, October 29

to: you

what happened to us? and by us, i mean me. we use to have an understanding. we use to be close. but then it all fell apart.

our regular monthly get-together was something i used to look forward to. those relaxing days. how much fun we used to have. now all those memories are buried deep in the corners of my brain.

it all started when i entered this place. i got busy. you made yourself disappeared. showing up only every couple of months. and all that after much persuading on my part. i cant really blame it all on you though. i'm partly at fault too. after all, it takes two to tango.

now i want you here. i want to see you again. but you're refusing to comply. denying me of that one birthright. i thought we had an understanding.

oh, aunt flo, this is me. please come and visit me.


"you stay the course you hold the line
you keep it all together
you're the one true thing i know i can believe in"

Sunday, October 26


choices. a simple 7 letter word that we've grown accustomed to. a word that has always been associated with one's right, democracy and well, just life.

being born in this modern era, we are bombarded with choices from all directions. from the mundane and inconsequential choices - of what we choose to eat and which shampoo we choose to buy - to the life changing ones - from what we choose to major in and who we choose to marry.

being a girl growing up in the 90's, i was told to believe that i can one day become anything i wanted to be, an actress, architect, pr-lady even an astronaut. on the flip side though, could it be that we are served with too many choices that sometimes, we are unable to make one?

and what about the wrong ones that we've made? is it acceptable to base our judgment of another from that one silly mistake that they've made. theoretically, most would say no. but in reality the overwhelming statistics of careers, lives and marriages being destroyed by that one stupid slip would beg to differ.

the saying goes that to err is human, to forgive is divine. to make mistakes and slip up from time to time is part of being in this species. it does not make you special in any way, not even in the least. so just brush yourself up and carry on with life. the world does not stop revolving just because you trip and fell. that's life. and t sucks. if you wanted an easy and unsucky one, then as jerry so eloquently said, be a dog.

people often focus too much on the first part of the saying that they've managed to ignore the second part all together. to be able to accept one's apology after all the bad things that they've done, now that is what sets a person apart from the 7++ billion homo sapiens on this earth. to be able to forgive someone, to let the hard feelings go and just say, hey, life's bigger than this, is just simply... well, divine. not everyone can do this and certainly not anyone can do this. it takes a lot of understanding of how this life works and a lot of faith to be able to brush off the wrongdoings of others. but once you're able to do that, the release of the anger and grudge that has been suppressed so deep within a person feels so good.

but then again, just because we were taught to forgive doesnt mean that the others get a carte blanche to make all the awful choices they want. tabula rasa doesnt happen often no matter how hard the preachers work and how much we ask for forgiveness from others. elisabeth kubler-ross once said,
"I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime."

we humans were given the ability, the capacity to rationally choose the choice we deem most beneficial to us and all involved. we are given the oppotunity to love, to hate, to eat, to sleep, to make the most of this life and the life hereafter. so next time think long and hard before you make another choice. think of all the things that can go wrong and factor in the feelings of person(s) involved and take into account the benefits it give us in not only this world, but the everlasting eternity as well.

after all, the old greying headmaster of a secret wizarding school once said, "it is not our talents that define us, it's our choices"

Youre still young, thats your fault,
Theres so much you have to know.
But take your time, think a lot,
Why, think of everything youve got.
For you will still be here tomorrow, but your dreams may not"

Monday, October 20


i like the fact that i have two houses that i can run from and run to.
when my needs change, each different house provides for me.
i can even be two separate individuals without the you're-crazy stares thrown at me.
it's convenient, useful and awesome.
generally speaking *salute*generally speaking*end salute*

won't it be nice to always have this kind of luxury?
even when you're old and married, you can have a house where you're a mother and wife.
and at the side you can have another house where you can be your single and fun you.
but that's not the point is it?
you should always want to spend time with the one you love.
or is that too idealistic.

nak IDEAL!!! (not the susu pekat) pls!!

"Maybe you were all faster than me
we gave each other up so easily
these silly little wounds would never mend
i feel so far from where i've been
so i go, and i will not be back here again
i'm gone as the day is fading on white houses"

Saturday, October 4

one more..

.. funny thing for those of you who are following the us presidential election.

"negative are all your vews
so you too can prop up your fake cool
a puppet all the same


..this just made my day.

c'mon people. it's funny. farneeeeeeee.

"Good feeling,
won't you say stay with me just a little longer
It always seems like your leaving,
when I know the other one just a little too well"

eid mubarak to you too

how was yours?

when i was younger i couldn't wait to be older like my brother and sister. and the desire was always stronger when raya came around. i didnt really understand why until last wednesday.

it was the freedom it brought. the freedom to just up and leave in the midst of the nasi minyak and kuih lapis. the freedom to leave the suffocating environment. the freedom to go driving in the midst of kl on hari raya.

my raya was awesome. can't you tell?

one thing i truly hate about raya is how judgemental and superficial people can get. it doesnt matter that you're a world-class surgeon who volunteers in destitute places and adopts 20 orphans while playing your part as a khalifah of the world, as long as you're not with a ring on your finger, not stick thin, not driving the latest benz, you're basically nothing. ape cerite la kan?

i sound like the grinch of raya aidilfitri.
but this has always been the kind of raya for me. now you understand why i dont go all fuzzy and chirpy at the thought of syawal menjelang-ing.

i'm not whining. i'm just saying. there's no use in complaining about things that I can't change. so, i accept raya as it is. just dont expect me to have a "happy and joyous" raya. besides it's only ONE measly day of the year. i can always lock myself in the room with 3 seasons of how i met your mother while waiting for the earth to spin 360 degrees.

"i walk the streets alone
striking out for home
i walk the streets at night
i'm looking for a fight
sometimes what you like is not your fault
cause happy ever after is what you talk"

Thursday, October 2


i've said this before. and here i am saying this again. i need a change.

big one. small one. who cares. i need a change.

and i dont want one of those temporary ones that can only bring temporary highs.


"If I wade into these waters, And they get too deep
If this road gets long, And my load heavy

If my heart gets broken, And I just can't breathe
If I turn back cause, I'm too weary oh

Will you rescue me? Will you rescue me?"

Sunday, September 14

an open letter


"i didnt think things would end up like this
but apparently this is for the best.
you remind me of all the things that i miss
so i'd rather you were somewhere else."


Monday, September 1


faran, on becoming a mother to 3 little alien-like and hairless ewwwws.

God grant you your wish on this post and gave you not only 1 ethan, but 3 at one shot.
(though we may have to change 1/2 ethan to ethanette, who knows)

yes, see how weird they look. 

and this is the ibu susuan yg x reti nak pose for the camera. sheesh.

"ibu, ibu engkaulah ratu hatiku
bila ku berduka
engkau hiburkan selalu
ibu, ibu engkaulah ratu hatiku"


Wednesday, August 27

my thoughts, another's words

"I want to love
I want to feel
but for me, feeling,
is not real.

The more I try, the deeper I fall
not in love
but face first into a wall.

I live, I breathe,
so I must have a heart.
if you can find it...

...it's yours."
live happy blog

tagged - 24/8

Remove 1 question from below and add in a personal question, make it a total of 20 questions. Then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged.

If you could spend one Ringgit in 5 minutes, what would you spend on?
…toll je dah 1.60. one ringgit doesn’t go far nowadays, sadly so

What is your most favourite thing to do?
…laughing. it just gives you such high, no?

What kind of news do you read?
…all kinds. From E! to BBC

What would you give up in return to eat all you want in the world and not get fat?
…my jogging shoes and skipping rope.

Is there someone in your heart right now?
… there’s always people in there. though not the kind people go
ga-ga about.

Do you believe you can survive without money?
…oh God no!

What are you afraid to lose the most?
…my direction in life

What do you feel like doing right now?
...ripping my nose off. It’s been running all day.

If there’s someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
...when the time is right I supposed.

Would you stand by your principles even if it goes against what your heart tells you?
…am trying very hard to.

What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
…a lot. And I don’t think I would settle for less.

What is the thing that will make you think he/she is bad?
…people are just misunderstood most of the time.

Do you feel like killing someone at the moment?
…well, I feel like kicking that little brat in giant just now. A.N.N.O.Y.I.N.G

If you had to eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?

If you had a choice to be rich or happy, which one would you pick?
…I’ll be happy when I’m rich – yes people I am THAT materialistic

If you have a chance, which part of your character you would like to change?
…the inability to say no. n the clamp-up around strangers bit too.

Who is the person that you can share all your problems with?
…not a person : God.
…Almost a person : monkey cup. ;p

How do you see yourself in 10 years time?
…undergoing a postgrad program with someone to share it all with, iA

What is the one thing you love about yourself?
...someone calls me narcissist often enough. So, I’m not answering this

If you can bring only one thing along with you to another world, what would it be?
…a camcorder?

malas nak tag sape2 da

“photographs and brightly colored paper
are your mask you wear in this caper
the clouds in your eyes
down your face they pour”

Wednesday, August 20

falling back in love

......with this

i just got it back after a long, long separation.

oh how i missed the 1700++ songs.

to sync with the 'book is impossible da cause my hard drive is like this

so much for the free 160GB SATA ext HD.

oleh itu, sempena nak Ramadhan ni, x de ke yg nak bersedekah?

after all itulah 1/3 cara nak menebusi fitnah.

*my community service message for the day*

on a different note

i think my house da overrun with primates.

in one room, you've got a nyet and a kera living together.

then there's a monkey cup as a roomate.

"i go nowhere high
go nowhere warm
until i see your smile
and feel your calm"

Thursday, August 14


.. is our first assessment for our first week of our second year.

but tomorrow feels like any other ordinary day.


i should be doing this

but instead i'm googling michael phelps.

judging by the fact that i'm still in my baju kurung at 9 in the evening, i can confidently say that today was not one of my best days.

"am i not pretty enough
am i too outspoken
i live, i breathe, i let it rain on me
i laugh, i feel, i make believe it's real
i fall, i freeze, i pray down on my knees
why do you see right through me?"

Wednesday, August 13

funniest fail

funniest. thing. ever.


there are funnier ones. but i don't think it's appropriate to put it up here.

*disclaimer: not suitable for everyone and certainly not suitable for all ages.

what do i, what do I need to do,
To see myself in a better mood?

There's not a lot for you to give if you're giving in.

There's not a lot for you to feel if you're not feeling it"

Thursday, August 7

a dedication

someone wants to have a future in the corporate world, make lots of money and eat at cilantro everyday. apparently that's where "life" is.

once you're filthy rich, don't forget your purpose in this world and most importantly don't forget me ;p.

well then good luck. and here's a song for you.

"imagine you go away
on a business trip one day
and when you come back home
your children has grown"

20 = old, no?

though this might be a tad late, i'd like to wish tasha a happy belated birthday!!!
being 20 sucks doesnt it?

in honour of her turning old, we went out on a crazy-laughter-filed tuesday night. we started in um to nando's to wendy's to starbucks back to wendy's again (cause someBODY wanted milkshake) then back to starbucks again (cause wendy's was closed). and somewhere in between someone even had time for this

poor tash. if she didnt injure herself this way, i might've killed her that night.

then we roamed around KPS after having kerang bakar from duckking za's stall in feskum. seets wasnt there cause she's a busy, busy, busy person nowadays. what with meetings and whatnots. all in all it was a great night.

"If the sky above you
Should turn dark and full of clouds
Keep your head together and call my name out loud
And soon I will be knocking upon your door"

Sunday, August 3


the other day was the first of the month.
I figured I’d give it longer than it takes for a milk to curdle.
But I don’t wanna give it too long.
So I settled for 1 month.
And the grace period is up.
Now I’m finally done.
Hopefully so.


I was going through my phonebook today as the feeling of wanting to reunite myself with an old familiar soul presented itself. But just as I was typing a long-winded and verbose text, I decided it’d take too much effort to continue on. So I pressed the tiny home button and stashed the phone away while turning on 712 for a daily dose of “news”.

“hey there mr curiosity
is it true what they’ve been saying about you?
are you killing me?
I’m looking for love this time
sounding hopeful but its making me cry”

Thursday, July 31


went to see this y'day with changkul. it was a tad disappointing. i guess after 3 years of not having it in my life, i expected too much from the movie. unrealistic expectation, they say.

seriously though, the show was a tad slow, a bit jumpy (though this may be attributed to the many, MANY cuts made by the m'sian censorship board) and very, very predictable (this is a chick flick after all).

"There are no surprises in the movie, at least not good ones..
On television and in tasty 30-minute bites, the show “Sex and the City” managed to entertain and sometimes even enthrall...
But those same loud outfits, mugging faces and picayune dramas just don’t translate when blown up on a movie screen.." Manohla Dargis, the new york times

but it did bring back memories. i remembered how i went satc crazy in 2005, the year i took my spm. how i cramped in an episode btwn school and mrs chong's tuition. then showing up 5 minutes late and grinning sillily for 2 hours straight just because carry said yes to aidan. haha. those were the days...

on a diff note, i saw a former school mate in ou today. thank god die tak perasan i. the whole "hey, how are you, ape buat skrg, sihat tak, kat mne ni, nnt bile sng2 contact i" crap is just so awkward and let's face it, so superficial. especially when we weren't that close after all.

light the corners of my mind,
misty water-coloured memories,
of the way we were.
can it be that it was all so simple then?
so it's the laughter
we will remember"

Wednesday, July 30

confession pt 1

apparently words are very powerful.

who would've thought of that, right?

i have a crush on someone..

just because of his blog


dah la org tu i pernah kawan dgn dulu.


he seems so different on a webpage.

ke i x brape knal die dulu.


when it's 2 o'clock in the morning and you feel rather peckish, you'll get all these weird realization. and for today, this is mine.

when it's 2 am and you feel rather melancholy, you'll post your feelings for the world -my world, at least- to read.

so, when i read this when i'm more sober later today, i might just delete this post. or maybe i wont.

"i know i dont know you,
but i want you so bad.
everyone has a secret oh,
but can they keep it?
oh NO they cant"

Tuesday, July 29

tired out

today is tuesday and i think i've finally gotten over the aching pains last weekend gave me. shows how good of a shape i'm in.

when i complained that i got less than 5 hours of sleep over the pass 3 days, a no-nonsense soul told me that that would be the situation i'll face once i graduate and become a house officer. this splash of reality makes me really look forward to that future of mine. (can you detect the dripping sarcasm?)

but since i'm still a lowly student, i did get to qadha' tidur that sunday evening. a blissful 19-hour of pure oblivion.

i'm still enjoying what's left of this holiday. lazing around at home. eating. searching for places where i can get free wifi. avoiding dramas that i know i'll have to face in the very near future. but for now i'd rather push all that aside and switch on CNN instead.

" Singing, "We're gonna vent our frustration
If we don't we're gonna blow a 50-amp fuse"
You can't always get what you want

But if you try sometimes well you just might find
You get what you need"

Sunday, July 20

long lost

after a year of not being in touch, it's great to easily pick up where we left off. and greater still to know that after 3 years, we've still got the same way of thinking.

but things have not been static this past year. so many things have happened. and the catch up session we had was like a trip down memory lane for both of us.

it's comforting to know that even if he's far away and comes from a totally different background, i can talk to him about anything and get good feedbacks too.

oh and btw, congratulations on making it into cambridge. i bet it wasn't easy.

"And the people in the houses
All went to the university,
Where they were put in boxes
And they came out all the same
Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes made of ticky tacky,
Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes all the same"

Saturday, July 12


because of the no internet the holidays bring, this post is a bit late finding its way to cyberspace. \

24th June

Multiple personality disorder. They’ve grown increasingly popular these past decade or so. With holywood making big bucks out of it, drug companies having a field day with it. It’s no wonder that everyone uses the word schitzo so lightly nowadays.

But like anything with a ‘disorder’ at the back of it, there’s also the normal physiology of it. Like there’s eating disorder, but you’ve also got yourself a normal eating habit. Ergo with multiple personality disorder, I guess there’s also the normal variety of multiple personality.

Maybe I’m crazy. Maybe I do, indeed, need to see Prof Hatta. But I believe that everyone has got a bit of multiples in them. I personally believe that if you’ve never talk to yourself – be it to psych yourself up or convince yourself of something- , then you’re weird.

There has got to be the many sides of you that are constantly having a debate on most of your decision. Some are as mundane as what you choose to eat - the doctor in you tells you to choose healthily while the glutton in you tells you that you can diet another day. But then again some could be as important as who you choose to marry.

Multiple personalities are not just normal, they are pretty much crucial in our survival. The daredevil in us would always egg us on to drive fast and enjoy the adrenaline rush that comes with it. But the adult us would always tell us to think of the safety aspect of driving. It’s a mechanism that has been perfected as we live through our lives.

So it’s no surprise when the more cautious me told me not to do it. She reminded me of the repercussion that could come, the sudden mood change, the emptiness, the sucky, sucky realization. And for the past 11 days I listened to her. I weighed her arguments and sided with her.

But today the more precarious me decided to throw caution to the wind. She told me of the possible outcome and how beautiful it could be. She said that if I didn’t try, then I would never know. She reminded me of what happened when I was too cautious. And I decided to believe her. I decided to agree with her today.

They say humans have their very own built-in safety net. And I’ve just managed to ignore mine.

" I keep throwing it down two-hundred at a time
It's hard to find it when you knew it
This is pouring rain
This is paralyzed"

Wednesday, June 18

what i did today

even the title of this blog can tell you i'm kinda bored.

so after this

and this

i'm left with nothing to watch for the night.

no matter. tomorrow i might be watching this

if the wife/husband agrees that is.

but for sure i'll be having this for lunch tomorrow


btw, i bet you can tell that i'm hooked on this add image thing. i know it's an old app. but i'm finally bored enough to find the time to use it.

" It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
It takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction"

what holidays mean to me

only change the today to everyday.

except today that is. cause some kind soul (read:fool) forgot to secure his/her network. bless the fools, i say.

"why'd you have to be so cute,
it's impossible to ignore you,
must you make me laugh so much,
it's bad enough we get along so well,
say goodnight AND GO."

Saturday, May 17

this is an excuse for not studying

choices - a gift or a curse?

there are many instances in our lives where we're faced with a tough decision to make. where we find ourselves at the root of two (or more) roads. each welcoming us to traverse it. when we hit this point, we start to make a list of pros and cons. this fork in the road makes us calculate the repercussions of our every decision.

it's difficult being human beings. even the best of us are bound to make mistakes, sooner or later. as the old saying goes, sepandai-pandai tumpai melompat, akhirnya jatuh ke tanah juga (or something to that effect. y'know i'm hopeless at BM). if you're scared of making one then, as jerry said, "you're in the wrong species love. be a dog". jokes aside though, this is the reality, as real as it comes. no matter how scared you are, no matter how terrifying this may be, you've got to move forward. there's no sense in stopping and there's no going back.

sometimes, the situation is clear cut. as clear as crystals, or better yet, diamonds. the right and the wrong decisions are easily distinguishable. the way ahead is there for you. it might not be easy, but it's definitely not complicated.

but what happen when the choices available are fraught with their very own pros and cons? each choice is as good and as detrimental as the next. what are we to do then? do we follow our hearts? or will our heads trump all? will we be satisfied by temporary highs, or are we willing to let go of them for the possibility of a more rewarding -and hopefully permanent- future?

at the end of the day though, the word sacrifice plays a huge role in the choices we make. are we willing to let go of our 8-hour-a-day sleep to become the respectable doctor our society know and admire? how about saying goodbye to the entertaining archaeologist and focus instead on the GS system of said archaeologist? how about no longer relishing on the 15-minute-spike of happiness for a longer-lasting smile-inducing feeling later on?

in this day and age, where people are obsess with worldly trappings and the only school of thought/religion they adhere to is hedonism, it's tough to rise above it all and think of our next destination rather than blindly enjoying this temporary life.

if one can find success in both lives, they should count their lucky stars and thank God. it's what we all pray for, no? kejayaan di dunia dan akhirat.

"f it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it"

miss able taggy-tag

1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves a comment, letting them know they got tagged and to ask them to play and read your blog.

Starting time: 8.54pm

Name: sara idris
Sisters: 1
Brothers: 1
Shoe size: 5/6/7.
Height: 162/3cm .
Where do you live: pj + cybertown
Favourite drinks: many.
Favourite breakfast: pancakes/rotitelur/tossei(sp?).
Have you ever been on a plane: Yes.
Swam in the ocean: Yes, tak suka tp. all those weird living things around.
Fallen asleep in school: mase est. dpn pn rathi lg. haha.
Broken someone's heart: hopefully no.
Fell off your chair: mase darjah 1. kat bank yg my mum worked in. malu dgn uncle hamid.
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: i'd rather sleep la wei
Saved e-mails: Yes and texts too.
What is your room like: ade BIG mirror. junks displayed on the shelf. plus a world map yg tak sempat-sempat tampal on e wall.
What's right beside you: wani
What is the last thing you ate: roti john putrajaya
Ever had chicken pox: once upon a time
Sore throat: selalu. am nursing one right now
Stitches: a few
Broken nose: not yet
Do you believe in love at first sight: no. infatuation at first sight, yes.
Like picnics: sans ants, yes.
Who was the last person you danced with: mase cube party kat pasum. cant remember who.
Last made you smile: jason mraz. and that blooduh kid. setiap hari tgk die.
You last yelled at: farid and anis cause when you're in a moving car, thats the only way to communicate

Today did you:

Talk to someone you like: friends i like, yes. person i LIKE, like, no
Kissed anyone: the finger yg tersepit ade la
Get sick: sore throat + runny nose + kene cucuk ngan wani (though that was yesterday)
Talked to an ex: no exes to talk to
Miss someone: mi mama
Eat: of course
Best feeling in the world: when the stomach is filled and the bed is within sight. pure bliss.
Do you sleep with stuffed animals: erm, no. with stuffed faran, yes. haha
What's under your bed: lots of dust bunnies i presume. never care to look.
Who do you really hate: the people with evil in their blood
What time is it now: 9:07

Randoms :

Q: Is there a person who is on your mind right now: jerry
Q: Do you have any siblings: Yes
Q: Do you want children: one day soon, iA
Q: Do you smile often: i'd like to think so
Q: Do you like your hand-writing: not really. but malas nak change
Q: Are your toenails painted: Nope
Q: Whose bed other than yours would you rather sleep in: hotel's?
Q: What colour shirt are you wearing: black; warna rasmi
Q: What were you doing at 7:00pm yesterday: dok bebual ngan wanichan n farantan
Q: I can't wait till: i'm 33.
Q: When did you cry last: y'day
Q: Are you a friendly person: not to strangers
Q: Do you have any pets: none

Where is the person you have feelings for right now? – dont know who ive feelings for nmore
Did the last person you held hands with mean anything to you now? – no holding hands. haram!
Do you sleep with the TV on? – no tv. no light. no sounds. my ideal sleeping environment
What are you doing right now? – doing this thing able tagged me. and freezing my butt off.
Have you ever crawled through a window? - nope. but i've climbed to a balcony before.
Can you handle the truth? – sometimes
Are you too forgiving? - in situations that really matter, i think not
Are you closer to your mother or father? – Mak/mi/mother/mum/ummi/ibu/ma
Who was the last person you cried in front of? – i think faran
How many people can you say you've really loved? – parents and a handful of friends. not many i guess.
Do you eat healthy? – def not
Do you still have pictures of you & your ex? - this question is not relevant to me
Have you ever cried because of something someone said to you? – oh God yes
If you're having a bad day, who are you most likely to go to? solitary drives. oh, and back to pj where normalcy is.
Are you loud or quiet most of the time? – louder than some, but not as loud as others
Are you confident? - when i have to.

5 things I was doing 10 years ago..
1/masuk a biru class for the first time in my life
2/ prolly was watching buffy with the family
3/pengawas sesi petang
4/dsukai oleh ustaz sek agame sbb i was the only one that deign to put in any effort in learning
5/makan rojak tahu pakcik yg tolak2 cart tu

5 things on my to-do list today
1/write something meaningful here
2/PBL - blahh
3/call dad
4/confide to someone about something

5 snacks I enjoy
1/super ring
2/salt and vinegar crisps
3/anything w sour cream n onion
4/the hazelnut-wafer thing in that red packy-packy thing
5/oooooh seaweed

5 things I would do if I was a billionaire
1/blanje my fam buat umrah/haji
2/buy a house fo me mum
3/donate to charity
4/invest - so i can be a billionaire again
5/blanje rakan2 makan! makan sedap!

5 of my bad habits
no, this isnt true.

5 places I have lived in
1/jln jerau 5 n 6
2/jln hijau muda 8
3/jln maju jaya 3
4/jln bkt impian 11
5/jln 14/1
oh, and jln cyberia 3

5 jobs I've had
3/main cikgu-cikgu
4/main doktor-doktor
5/main cashier-cashier

5 mangsa i tag (yeeaaaa~)
4/mindmap (?)
5/sesiape je la yg bace this crap of mine

lame on!

"they say wishing for you is like
wishing for snow in southern california
first of all, i'm saying oh my God
you're the reason that i decorate my yard"

Tuesday, May 13

better late than never, no?

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."
— Franklin P. Jones

"Keeping another person waiting is a basic tactic for defining him as inferior and oneself as superior."
- Thomas S. Szasz

"Punctuality is the virtue of the bored."
- Evelyn Waugh

and to think that one day i'll be working as a doctor.

" And while he wishes he could escape this
But it all seems so contagious
Not to be yourself and faceless
in a song that has no soul"

Thursday, May 1


you know when to stop trying 
when it hurts too much 
when all the nitty gritty 
will bother you so
you know when to step back
when it's no longer right
when it's painfully obvious 
you're not the best 
you know when to let go
when it gets to your heart              
and crushes it to a pulp
you know when to say no
when it harbors jealousy
and breeds envy
you know when to walk away
when it feels like a dozen daggers
stabbing deep in your chest.        

you know.
you're not stupid.
far from it.
you're not blind.
you've been taught better.
you know.
but you're trying to deny it.
trying to make it feel better.

but at what expense?
to what length will you go?
to what extent will you let yourself go?
when you're dying alone out there?
when you're too broken to be pieced back together?
dont be ridiculous.
dont take yourself for granted.
God loves you too much for that.
for all that crap.

so, do the right thing.
so, even if you dont want to.
so, it's not what you wish for.
you be the better person.
rise above it.
overcome the sadness.
conquer your feelings.
walk away .
and move fast while you're at it.
for your own sake.

"i crouch like a crow
contrasting the snow
im crippled and slow
for the agony, i'd rather know"

Wednesday, April 30

tag agi

mindmap keluar agame lg lambat dr i telah menggunakan kuasa tagnye. 
saya sara, saya menurut perintah...

currently - atas tilam bersama baju dr pagi tadi *gasp*
playing - dont cry for me argentina - madonna
pending - sleep n isya'!
what's new? - printer, jam and shoes ;p
real name - sara idris
nickname - none ;D
married - insyaAllah
male/female - XX
high school - SIGS
college - PASUM-->USM-->CUCMS!
are you a health freak - as a future doctor, yes?
do you have a crush on someone - "sesungguhnya lelaki yg bermain dgn tulang itu adalah seksi"
do you like yourself - most of the time
first surgery - went to excise a cyst on the wrist under GA. manje..
person u see in the morning - maryam: kejut subuh, faran: kejut mandi
award - anugerah top ten darjah 2. celamak
sports you join in - lets just list down e ones i've played. futsal, foosball, football, pingpong, bowling, netball, baseball, swimming, tennis, basketball
vacation - cant wait for one
drink - milo budak bpharm sediakan. bless them
i'm about to - wudhu', solat, tito
your future - awaits to be lived through
want kids - sudah tentu insan utk mengisi baju purple f tan itu dperlukan
want to get married - iA when the time comes
careers in mind - hopefully not a GP. no offense.

which is better?
lips or eyes - eyes are the windows to the soul
hugs or kisses - depends from whom :p
shorter or taller - tall!!
romantic of spontaneous - romantically spontaneous
sensitive or loud - depends on the situation
troublemaker or hesitant - troublemakers are fun

have you ever?
kissed a stranger - not interested
drank bubbles - e brand or alcohol? either way , no
carbonated drinks - minuman ruji kot
ran away from home - dok 
like someone younger - x. but someone older pnah. like more than 20 years older. haha. tash, are you listening?
broke someone's heart - ntahla
been arrested - x tp kene saman pnah la
cried when someone died - bucketloads bile susan sarandon died in stepmom *sniff*
do you believe in yourself - most o e times
miracles - divine intervention
magic - practice
angels - 10 yg wajib tahu

is there someone who you want to be with right now - yes

"so i chose freedom
running around, trying everything new
but nothing impressed me at all
i never expected it to"

kisah ku di tag-ed

pukulnya sekarang 132. dan saya ngantuk bangat. tetapi nggak mau tidur lagi iya. esok harinya scl you-know-who. and i really dont feel like going. maka ku kan tidur lambat supaya esoknya boleh kata pening kepala iya dong.

enjoy reading moi's answers on this very delicate matter then...

1/if your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
-it's not easy for me to open myself up to ppl and it's pretty difficult for anyone to gain my trust completely. ergo, if that person betray me, it'll be very hard for me to forgive him. bye2 loverville for you. haha

2/ what will you do if you do not share the same feelings as the person who likes you?
-be frank. prolly will spend less time with "person" so as to avoid confusion and further complication.

3/ what will your dream wedding be like?
-you'll see one day. insyaAllah, ;p 
nothing fancy really. simple, elegant and tasteful. and def none of this bersanding bullshit.

4/ are you confused as to what lies ahead of you.
-all the effing time.  confused, uncertain, anxious. get me some valium already.

5/ whats your ideal lover like?
-to quote ustaz "kuat pegangan agama, keturunan yang baik-baik, berharta, perawan, subur, pengasih, sekufu". not neccassarily la tapi. there are some criteria that i'll overlook. but there are many i'd like to add.

6/ which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone else?
-loving God and being loved by Him is the best i say. hehe

7/ if the person you like does not accept you, would you continue to wait for them to change their feelings?
-tricky. i'll wait while i still have nothing to do. but dont expect me to be sitting around FOREVER. if someone else comes along...

8/ is there anything that has made you unhappy recently?
-yes. can't believe i'm back there again y'know, though of course it was kinda expected.

9/ what do you want most in life?
-to succeed in this world and most importantly in the hereafter. the best anyone could ever hope for. oh, and world peace.

10/ is being tagged fun?
-fun when you;ve nothing better to do (read: when malas nak study)

11/ if you find out that your bestfriend is going out with your bf/gf , how would you react?
- first things first, i dont believe in best friend, ie: the concept of that ONE person who is your ultimate friend, but that's a diff matter. 
i believe that my great friends wouldnt do that to me. they wouldnt dare. haaha. 

12/ who is currently the most important person to you?
-the person in my family that i'm closest to and the one who has gone through and is going through so much. pn khatijah samion.

13/ what kind of person do you think i am?
-words can only describe so much, no? suffice to say that i think highly of you. and eventhough i dont say it often enough (aka not at all) you know i love you. agak touchy di situ ye. nak kleenex.

14/ what is the most unforgettable thing/event in your life?
-my birth? ok, lame. 

15/ if the person you secretly like cannot recognise you, what would you do/ how would you react?
-gi elton john nye car boot sale and accessorize darling. i bet he'll recognize/notice me. in a positive ke negative way tu is a different matter la kan.

16/ would you give your all in a relationship?
-my ALL will only be given when i'm married la dei. 

17/ if you fall in love with 2 people simultaneously, who would you pick?
-i dont think that'll ever happen. i might be infatuated with 2 people at once. but love is something you work on. so, unless i'm demented, i'm pretty sure i wont cari nahas la. 

"deep in my heart i'm concealing,
things that i'm longing to say,
scared to confess what i'm feeling,
frightened you'll slip away."

Monday, April 28

peter is pretty brilliant

current mood : happy, eventhough i was pranked on BIG time. baboon kamu. 

generally feeling good sbb i went shopping this weekend. lots and lots of fun. i forget sometimes the simple joy of retail therapy. after almost a year of not truly contributing to the business economy, i think i caught myself up last saturday. who says money does not make one happy? and yes people, i am THAT superficial and THAT materialistic. haha. for the time being at least. 

saye di tagged harini. actually, it was last night tp ive no netto in pj. besides, id rather sleep myself crazy when i'm back in an airconned bedroom.

dammit! blogger's cut/paste gle. its almost 4 and now i'm too lazy to buat this tag crap btl2. so, raincheck je la. 

later days. 

"never gonna fall,
i'm never gonna fall, 
for that old trick again"

Monday, April 21


a couple o' days back, a friend i havent talk to in the longest of time texted me. after reading my blog, she was rather worried that i was feeling down and depressed and wanted to let me know that she would always be there if i ever needed a shoulder to cry on. funny ain't it?

well, miss E, not to worry k. i'm all good. 

rereading it, i guess it does have a little somber/emo theme going on, no? but that's really the purpose i have a blog. when i'm happy, usually there are ppl here, with whom i laugh and choke with. but sometimes, when sadness strikes, i'd rather be left alone with my thoughts and the red apple. the kinds of things that goes through my head then is so bizarrely embarrassing that i dont even dare spill here. that's the reason why my entries are so vague. besides mystery is always fun, fun. fun!

sigh.. maryam is sleeping soundly beside me. God knows where her mind has wandered off to. i cant for the life of me feel sleepy. maybe its because i woke up at 12 today. besides, i just had a big meal of KFC and according to wani, i cant sleep for another couple of hours, less i nak perut i kedepan. well hommie, die da kedepan da. so, i x kesah. nak tido gak!

last saturday i had lotsa fun. but now i cant wait for saturday to come again. nak spend spend spend. BIG TIME! i'm happy just thinking about it :D who's up for some retail therapy this saturday?

i just wish sometimes that you'd stop being "that" way. how you treat ppl differently is just blatantly  unfair. you can do better than that. i'm not judging..i'm just saying. and i'm sorry for what happened. i guess i terlalu mengikut kehendak sendiri. selfish to a point. but your response was indeed unnecessary. i might be worse, but at least i dont do things like you. sometimes i wanna shout. sometimes i wanna scream, but i refrain. whatever


other than that, all's good. there are things that could be better, there are things that are perfect the way they are. and then there are things that go way beyond my expectations. it is good to finally be able to report that in general, i'm feeling positive


"you're dancing naked there for me,
you expose all memory,
you make the most of boundary,
you're the ghost of royalty,
imposing love you are the queen and king
combining everything intertwining like a ring
around the finger of a girl
i'm just a singer 
you're the world
all i can BRING you
is the language of a lover"

Wednesday, April 16

me no likey

dont like it. 
dont like this feeling. 
dont like to be dependant. 
dont like it when i get affected easily. 
dont like. 
do not like. 

yes, emo. i know. let me be.

"i walk around this city, alone till its dark,
and if the sadness wont ever go away, 
i suppose i'll build it a home
so it has a nice place to stay"

Thursday, April 3

big "blame me" post it on my forehead

i can accept the blame when it is my fault. i dont think very highly of myself. believe me when i say that i try my hardest not to put myself on a pedestal.

but i cant take it when it's your doing that i get blamed for. you're mad at me because of what you did. what the hell kan?

then, the worst is when someone else nye salah, i get the cold treatment. i get the blame. i have no bloody clue pon ape jadi. tp i suffer because of it.

when it's my fault, i get the blame. when it's your fault i get the blame. when it's the others' fault pon i get the blame. ape cerite beb?

confusion is nothing new, suitcase of memories...

before i let the red apple rest for the night (morning), one more post should be made.
(besides, it is when i'm lying in the dark that my mind gets active and visits places it wouldnt normally do).

i cannot for the life of me, picture myself confessing this to you. not one word about it. because then, it'd just be too weird. too weird. 

am i? or am i not? i myself am confused. i think i am. my actions make me believe i am. but am i really? 

anticipate. enjoy. happy. 

when you board a flight, there are so many things that could go wrong - the fuel tank might leak, the sensors might go haywire, the hydraulics might be shot, the wheels might be blown, the electronics might be wonky, the fuselage might be breached - but you still step off the aerobridge while pushing these "silly little thoughts" out of your mind with great effort. 

but how do you that in real life? real situation? would the reward be as good? at the end of the day would we still reach our destination? would it be worth it?

only God knows what is best for me. so, i put my faith in Him to guide me through the confusing days of life in this world.

"i found, that im bound, 
to wonder down this one way road,
i just want you closer is that alright,
i just want you closer tonight"

let's find a fix to a fix to a fix to a fix to a fix to a problem i cant remember

if i had written this last night, it would've taken a different turn altogether.

they say time heal all wounds, but it will still not make you forget.

when you get wronged -or feel you've been wronged- a glass of ice choc, a long drive, a cup of maggi and nighttime prayers can really calm you down. it's a strange ride, really. to be burning hot one moment then euphorically elated the next. i guess at the end of the day, you can only find solace in that one place. and i'm thankful everyday, that i DO realize that.


they say that when you play with fire, you can get burned.

this coming holidays will present itself at the most appropriate time.

let's see how it goes.

"Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
i love peaceful melody
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved loved loved loved loved"

Monday, March 24

no valium tonight

it's almost 5am. on a weekday. i'm supposed to get up in less than 2 hours. this is crazy isnt it?

besides, this would be my 3rd post in less than 12 hrs. it truly is then.

i'm bored. and everyone's asleep. so all i'm left to do is talk to myself. since, that'd be a tad too weird, i came up with the ingenious idea of talking to the cyberspace. it's not as if anyone's listening, but at least i'll look less crazy. it's all about our image darling.

there's something nagging my mind. dont know what though. i cant sleep. i cant concentrate on esp (yes, i'm still not done. *gasp*). 

like i said, i need a boost. i'm all burned-out. gimme something happy. make me leap. make me laugh till my stomach hurts. make me use my rhizorius. 

i'll hate myself for saying this. but sometimes i wish for something big to happen. good or bad, it doesnt matter. i need to know that there's more than just this monotonous chug of routine i'm living week to week. it's the same thing over and over again. and it's getting old. fast. i'm only living on temporary highs nowadays. especially when i'm here.

i'll assure you that by the time i read this tomorrow, i will not identify the author as myself. something about the stillness of these early hours that makes me extremely melancholy.

"these days we go to waste like wine
that has turned to turpentine
it's 6 am and i'm all messed up
i didnt mean to waste your time
so i'll fall back in line
but i'm warning you we're growing up"

dear self

this is getting out of hand.

what is up with you sara?

it's 3 am. and you're still not done with that english whatever of yours?

you're not even attempting to put any effort in it.

this is disheartening.


stop all the other nonsense. 


it wont take you more than an hour.

come on.

jentik2 those syaitan away.

suck it in.

but i just dont feel like it.


this has been an internal monologue. not meant to be judged. so dont. it's a gentle (maybe not so) self-reminder. sekian.

"this is me before i come undone
this is me before i fall apart
it could've been a month or
it could've been a year 
but i gave up long before
cause i've been tired for days and days"

Sunday, March 23

here we go...AGAIN!

so, here we are again. at the beginning of a new blog. again.

i tried to stay away from blogging. at that time it brought more harm than good. but there's just too many things that i need to say. 

for a while i channeled my thoughts in that purple CUCMS logbook of mine. but then i found it too personal to share things with my mentor. too soon.

i tried to keep it to myself. but the overwhelming need to let it out was not easily ignored.

so, here we are. at that point in life. again.

i should be doing my scls and english assignment. i know.
but faran said better results are achieved under pressure.
so here i am, testing her theory. hoping one day it'd be a law.

keeping with tradition, i'll end every post with an excerpt from a song, relevant or not.

"one day you'll learn,
you'll soon discern its true meaning
an interesting detachment
a listless poem of love sincere
desire, despair
overlapping melodies"